operationMD

Archive for December, 2009|Monthly archive page

Diminishing Excitement

In Rants on December 25, 2009 at 7:46 pm

 

I can’t believe it’s Christmas already! I’ve gotten carried away with work and this month has really flown by!  Speaking of time flying by, my third best Christmas gift this year was a shiny new watch.  I’ve never really been a watch girl, but my mom, being the proud mother she is, insisted that I need a sharp, reliable watch to go with my white coat 🙂  I love her.  Bulova 98R123My second best present was from 10pm on 12/24 to 10am 12/25 – SLEEP!  I have been working opening and closing shifts for two different jobs these past weeks (plus squeezing in telecommuting work for my third job), and have been averaging around 4 hours of sleep per night.  The 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep made my Christmas glorious! I know, inadequate amounts of sleep are detrimental to my health, but I figure that if I can just push through February, financially I can be where I need to be.  And, as I tweeted this morning, my best Christmas present ever came on 10/16 (my first med school acceptance). 

One of my readers commented on sharing a similar experience with this application process and was curious as to my reaction to obtaining success this cycle.  Hmmm, as difficult as it is to put into words, I suppose the best way to describe my experience is anticlimactic.  To me, it was very reminiscent of a childhood Christmas.  It starts with begging mom for certain toys, followed by a long period of waiting and guessing which request you’ll get.  Then comes the actual Christmas morning, where you have trouble sleeping the night before, wake-up at the crack of dawn and run downstairs to open gifts.  Sure, there’s an adrenaline rush ripping open your packages and seeing what’s inside, and while you might have initial gratification, this quickly dissipates (if you don’t believe me, just think of all the little toys you asked for over the years and how many you actually played with longer than a few months).

Not to be Scrooge, but this whole application process has been somewhat anticlimactic for me as well.  I spent all these months prepping for the event that would make it official that I am set to become a doctor, and then the moment comes when I finally achieve this goal, and I’m left feeling like, Now what???  Sure, when I opened my first acceptance e-mail, I stopped breathing, called my mom, then went over to share the news with my grandmother and close friends, plus a few internet announcements, but after a day I was “over it.” It’s like Yay! I finally made it!!! But, now it’s on to the next step.  It’s not that I’m apathetic about it – actually, quite the opposite.  I am motivated by it to continue succeeding and achieving.

I made it over the hurdle of getting in; now, time to prep for the next step – succeeding once there.  I’m looking for that next fix from my new gift.  For me, that includes getting out of all this debt I went into just to get in.  Hey, two application cycles + a recession + no health care = a lot of expenditures + limited income. Booo.  This sad predicament has led me to work 3 jobs (all part-time, since no one is hiring full-time) and miss out on sleep and social interactions outside of work.  Bleh. I really cannot wait until I am back in the classroom.  I am a nerd at heart and I embrace it.  I attack this exhausting schedule with the outlook that I am just surviving to see summer 2010…

I am grateful for my acceptances and the open doors that lay before me, but I certainly don’t run around telling people I got in (my mom does and it’s cute…she beams from ear-to-ear!).  For some reason, even when others bring it up I am hesitant to fill them in on my progress and even downplay my success (note: I’ve never been one that was too comfortable talking about things I’ve achieved…always felt awkward and that it might be perceived as bragging).  I suppose my work situation doesn’t much help matters.  Perhaps part of me thinks that I should have a “better job” instead of multiple, common side jobs that are running me ragged. But hey, there’s nothing wrong with hard, legitimate work no matter how simple the task.  Furthermore, Lord knows I applied to literally 100s of jobs, and these were the 3-4 I wound up with.  I took what I could get and am making the best out of what I have, and there is NO shame in that!

Other than that, I can’t think of a reason why I’d hold back enjoying my accomplishment.  Maybe on some level, I feel that there was a mistake and that I don’t deserve it…that just because I’ve proven myself thus far, doesn’t mean I won’t fall short come August 2010.  I am not really sure.  I know this is silly, and I have the utmost faith in myself to succeed in med school, but I think it’s a lurking barely conscious thought that is affecting my enjoyment of this accomplishment. Eh, who knows…

Advertisements